The Parish Court

A play for the 3rd Sunday of Lent
year C
written by Fr. Peter Williams

Immediately after Gospel concludes, the play begins:

BAILIFF— (TV show music in background)
All across America, people wait for justice to be done. And no one knows how to deal out justice better than America’s favorite voice of justice,  Judge I. M. Wright. Our plaintiffs and defendants today have previously signed agreements to abide by the decisions of this court.

All rise now, as the judge enters the room, for another exciting edition of THE PARISH COURT!

JUDGE—Please be seated.  Bailff, what is the next case?

BAILIFF—Your honor, we have Mrs W with a claim against Mr Z.

JUDGE -- And what is the nature of this case?

BAILIFF --- Mrs W  claims that Mr Z used Decaf coffee at the parish coffee hour last Sunday, which caused her to lose concentration after church, and caused her to accidentally say yes to her kid’s request to buy tickets for an upcoming WWE event at the Auditorium. She is claiming damages of $50 for the tickets and $100 for pain and suffering.

JUDGE—That’s a very serious charge, Mrs W. How do we know that the lack of caffeine caused this problem for you?

Plaintiff 1—Your honor, I usually have 3 cups of coffee each morning. That particular Sunday, I only had one cup before church, and I was counting on the 2 cups of regular coffee to get me through the rest of the day.

JUDGE—it seems to me you should have planned to have more coffee at home. Everyone knows church coffee is usually weak.
PLAINTIFF 1—Well that’s true your honor, but if I have 3 cups before church, I can’t get to sleep during the sermon!
JUDGE—I see.
Well how do you know that the coffee was decaf last week. Where’s your proof.
PLAINTIFF 1—your honor, I have a picture here,  I took it  with  my phone camera  at last week’s coffee hour.
JUDGE—let me see that— Bailiff! …
(gives phone to Bailiff, who shows judge the phone)
O My goodness, everyone’s asleep!

PLAINTIFF Yes, and no made a second trip to the cookie table —I should have known there was something wrong!
JUDGE---  OK, you have established that there was Decaf instead of regular coffee. And Mr Z, you were responsible for making the coffee last Sunday?
DEFENDANT 1—Yes your honor. And I admit that I apparently made a mistake. I don’t really see what all the fuss is about. It was an honest mistake.
JUDGE—Mr Z, are you a coffee drinker?
DEFENDANT 1—No your honor, I strictly drink bottled water or sometimes Tea.
JUDGE—(disgusted) O, I see. Well, Mr Z, I guess you just do not understand the gravity of this situation, and the difficult situation Mrs W is in now because of your mistake. How would YOU like to have to sit through a professional wrestling match after a long day at work?
DEFENDANT 1—well, I don’t think I would…
JUDGE (strikes gavel) That’s it, then. I find for the Plaintiff-- $150.

Next case!

Plaintiff 1, Defendant 1 exit

BAILIFF--- Your honor the next case is Jimmy G vs the Choir of St James Parish. (They come forward)
JUDGE – (with curiosity) Really? And what is this about?
BAILIFF—Your Honor, the plaintiff claims his childhood was ruined by a recent hymn selection.
JUDGE—Well, Jimmy, suppose you tell us what this is all about.
PLAINTIFF 2—Hi Judge! How ya doin?
JUDGE—Jimmy, just tell us the story.
PLAINTIFF 2--  Ok yer honor… Last Sunday I brought my Iguana to church and it got away. I can’t find it, and now it’s probly gone forever. It has to have 80 degrees to be comfortable, and my father said the vestry will never let it get that warm in the church in the winter.
JUDGE— (at a loss for words) err—umm, Jimmy what does this have to do with the choir?

JUDGE—Now, just because God loves all creatures, that is not to say that you should bring all creatures to church.
PLAINTIFF 2—Sure, NOW you tell me.
JUDGE—does the defendant have anything to add?
DEFENDANT 2—I would just say your honor that we also sing “Go tell it on the Mountain” and we don’t expect people to go climbing one right after church. Or go climb the high peaks of the Adirondacks. We don’t expect people to take everything literally.
JUDGE—Heavens no--  (gavel hits) Sorry, kid, I find for the defendant. Next case!
(#2 defendant and plaintiff exit)

BAILIFF—Umm. Your honor, the plaintiffs here are 2 attorneys, representing the people of Haiti and Chile.
(they enter)
JUDGE—First of all...it's Chile...and who is the defendant?
BAILIFF—They’re saying it’s GOD, your honor.
JUDGE—What???
BAILIFF—that’s right, Judge Wright, they are seeking recovery of damages for immeasurable destruction and human suffering.
JUDGE—Well, let’s have the plaintiffs explain their case.
PLAINITFF ATTORNEY 3 - Your honor, the people of Haiti have, as you know, endured centuries of poverty, cruel dictatorships, hurricanes, mudslides and disease. Now they have been through a destructive earthquake, hundreds of thousands dead, and millions suffering without homes now. At least one Christian leader has said that this earthquake happened because the people of Haiti did something bad.  If that is true, then we are seeking damages, because any one with a right mind  can see that all of this is unjust.
PLAINTIFF ATTORNEY 4—May I add something, your honor?
JUDGE—Yes, go ahead…

PLAINTIFF ATTORNEY 3—Well—here is evidence, I submit this Bible as evidence your honor--- it is filled with things that indicate God orders punishment on whole nations.
[Bailiff brings the Bible to the judge. The judge flips through the pages]
Oh, I’m sure it doesn’t say that— (reading) O dear—
Drown everyone except Noah and his family…
and then this lady gets turned into salt! (flips pages)
Oh my… ouch! Slay how many??  O my gosh, slay the women and children too… it says that right here in Samuel…Ummm—well, I----
BAILIFF - Your honor, we are out of time for this week.
JUDGE—wipes brow, and so we are, well, we will have to postpone this decision until next time and in the meantime we will consult with some clergy and see what they have to say about this, because, to be honest, this seems to be a bit above my pay grade.
BAILIFF—All rise as the judge exits the chamber!"
JUDGE—and until we get this straightened out, everyone—you better watch out for youselves!
BAILIFF - tune in next time for America’s favorite judge, I M Wright, on the original TV court show, THE PARISH COURT!!

Music playing, All exit
(Conclusion of sermon follows)